It has been more than five years since I last took communion. I believe in God. The church or religion in general for that matter are different things.
Indifference. This has always been my attitude towards anything of this sort for years now. Much like my indifference for voting and politics.
Tonight, something was different. Perhaps it was the sermon of the priest who was so real and honest and even flat out human as opposed to pompous pricks who pretend to be self-righteous all the time just because they wear the vestments. Do not get me wrong. It was nothing miraculous or "holy". It wasn't divine or gloriously spectacular. It was simple. I'm tired of pretending to be smart enough to carry the truths (perceived of course) of the world on my own. Surrender...
Faith. I don't even know what that really is but maybe just maybe it's now time to find out. Being raised in a catholic family and going to a catholic school through all of my formal education taught me a lot of things about religion. It expects blind obedience. It expects rational human beings to submit to the metaphysical teachings and the omniscience of its foundations.
I got up from my seat and felt the eyes of my parents on me as they have not seen me do this for years. I slowly made my way towards the end of the line and slowly paced along with the other people taking communion. I dragged my feet. I felt ashamed to look up and just bowed my head. I couldn't shake the feeling of being ashamed I was there. In that line. I guess it was pride, that I was swallowing a large portion of my previous beliefs system. Or maybe, that I felt I did not deserve to have the host in my body. I apologize for the personal content of this entry. Maybe some of you might know what I speak of in this.
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